The opposite of Love is Fear. The opposite of compassion is guilty/regret.
I have thought long and hard about “the current situation”. I have listened to countless people about how the political climate changes their personal situations, affects their mental health, and impacts their familial relationships. I am thankful that so many are willing to share their feelings and experiences with me.
All of the listening left me asking What is compassion? Why do some people have such a hard time allowing themselves to be present, to witness, to see or hear the impact made on other people?
For me it has been the most incredible honor to witness and hold space for people in times of grief, celebration, worry, frustration, joy…. But why do some stories, people, or experiences open our hearts and others slam it shut!?
I’m tired of other people being mad at me.When will this be over?
One idea I had was that it’s so easy to be compassionate when you make a decision that hurts someone in the short term but you know it is the right, good, moral decision. Ie. divorce, interventions, drug rehab, honest conversations. But it is really hard to be compassionate when you are defensive, because you made a decision that you know is selfish, self serving or sacrifices or hurts one person over another.
One of the greatest gifts we can give a person is to be present and know them. To hear their sadness and celebration. To make room in our heart for their experience without thinking of a response, being defensive or placing blame.
So how do we get to a place in our own nervous system that we can be present and listen or hold space for others?
Fill your own cup, show up so full and rested and nourished. Take deep breaths, get plenty of high quality sleep and rest, hydrate and nourish your body, move/exercise/walk, pray or meditate, spend time with girlfriends, maintain your relationships
Be honest and get really comfortable with why and how you make decisions. << this will require some reflection. You don’t have to share your “why” but you do have to know it.
Get clear on whether you feel guilt over your choices or actions or whether you feel bad/pity/shame about how someone else feels as a result of your actions. Sometimes we want to lessen or avoid someone else’s pain, but we wouldn’t change our behavior or choice << this is not guilt. You know you feel guilt when you would make a different choice if faced with the same or similar situation again. We can change our actions and choices. We cannot change how someone else feels about our actions and choices.
Finally, make any amends you need to. We all make mistakes, if you’ve made one get really comfortable with it. It’s ok to still be learning.
How do I stop being angry at people who make decisions they know will hurt or endanger others?
The greatest gift of your life is your parents’ dysfunction. For you to be aware of it, to have forgiveness for it, compassion for it and a greater understanding because of it, and to heal from it. That is the greatest gift they have given you. ~David Fisher
Fisher was talking about parents but I think you can apply this same idea to any relationship or experience.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I don’t think you have an obligation to be aware, forgive, have compassion or understand and heal. I just think it might be one of the opportunities you miss without even knowing it.
If you have a relationship in your life that you choose to continue, where you do not feel heard or validated or considered, I get it! There is nearly nothing worse than being told you are loved and valued and finding out that this love and value does not include your human rights, physical safety and authority or expression.
It can be really hard to hold space and highly value people who clearly don’t value or listen to you. It might not be worth it to maintain these relationships, but if it is you could LEARN SO MUCH!!
So how do we get to a place in our own nervous system that we can be present and listen or hold space for others even if they don’t do the same for you?
Fill your own cup, show up so full and rested and nourished. Take deep breaths, get plenty of high quality sleep and rest, hydrate and nourish your body, move/exercise/walk, pray or meditate, spend time with girlfriends, maintain your relationships
Be honest and get really comfortable with why and how you make decisions. << this will require some reflection. You don’t have to share your “why” but you do have to know it.
Make sure you are being fully heard by someone else, before you make contact. Figure out which relationships do fill this need and nurture them. Don’t come to the table feeling a deep need for something that will not be there.
Make any amends you need to. We all make mistakes, if you’ve made one get really comfortable with it. It’s ok to still be learning.
Loving someone can have huge rewards. To love someone who can’t forgive themselves, who feels a deep sense of lack and scarcity, who is stuck in survival mode can be truly rewarding if it is done with big strong boundaries.
All of this to say, compassion is always powerful, worth it and a verb.
It’s easy to forget that this is your mom’s first time being human too. It’s easy to forget that your mom is someone else’s daughter and she probably didn’t get what she needed. It’s easy to bitch about her to your girlfriends or to complain or to roll your eyes. At the end of the day you will wake up one day and she wont be here. You get to choose what you forgive and how and IF you show up. If you show up and you realize that what you want is a closer relationship. Learning to say “let her” will create the space for your mom to soften, to forgive herself and feel like she has done an ok job, for your mom to open her arms to you too. She isn’t going to change but you can, if it matters to you. ~Mel Robberts
Again this is someone talking about the mother child relationship but i think it works for people in general.
Final Thoughts, who can you think of that loves bigger and without restriction? Consider asking yourself WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?), Dolly, Mary, insert your role model here
If you are looking for support in make this shift please reach out. You can schedule time with me using this link. I also strongly encourage you to check out CAYA Yoga’s other opportunities such as the Community and On-line Courses.