The last two years have been stressful, but so have many of the forty-four years that preceded them, and I will be the first to admit that not all stress is bad. I have had an amazing ride so far. In June I had yet another pretty major change, my Grandmother passed away, and I am once again shifting my life balance. I rested and recovered but i wasn’t satisfied with my rate of recovery. The transition of my grandmother had left a big hole, a vacuum, and I was sad and lonely enough for long enough that I was starting to get uncomfortable. I wanted a distraction, a break from the sadness, so I took a j-o-b. It was a great distraction but not quite as all-consuming as caregiving and at a point, I had to admit that the hostile work environment wasn’t a long-term solution. I tried mulling over long-solved mysteries and avoided every productive thing I could but within a week I was back to wholly unsatisfied.
Why is this worth it? All of the cooking, cleaning, trying… The answer might be different for each person but for me the answer is always the same.
I know I chose to inhabit a physical body and embrace all of the limitations and struggles that come with this journey.
I believe that some of the struggles I have experienced were for the benefit and learning of others but some of them were primarily for my benefit AND many of them I have learned and grown from. I appreciate these opportunities and I hope that the people in them with me got what they needed out of them.
So here I am again contemplating life, its meaning and how to be happy, all the while knowing that this is, for me, a ridiculous distraction. For me the meaning of life is the experience of joy and struggle all of which are not available outside the embodied experience. Limits and restriction and struggle are the gift of embodied experience.
Dig a little deeper… There are both internal and external pressures. Here is where I think we might be having our greatest pressure. In today’s world much of our pressure is internal, we spend most of our time alone, which means most if not all of the pressure that is put on us is internal. The lack of external pressure throws off the balance. When you are part of an invested community the external input applies a gentle pressure that balances the internal pressure. Where the physical body requires resistance to stay strong, the emotional and mental bodies also require resistance or pressure to remain strong as well.
I think that when my grandmother died, just like when my abusive wife left, I graduated from a rigorous educational program, these are all examples of external pressure is suddenly lifted, creating a vacuum, and just as if gravity was suddenly ripped away explosion happens.
External pressure higher than internal pressure = implosion
Internal pressure higher than external pressure = explosion
Internal and external pressure too low = fragmentation ** this is where I think I found myself
Internal and external pressure too high = hardening
So when the pressure was suddenly ripped away (Big G passing) I tried to equalize the pressure and when I wasn’t reaching an equilibrium I found external pressure to supplement (took a tough job) unfortunately it turned out to be a toxic job not a tough job. The job didn’t have pressure, it had friction <<< there is a real difference.
So I have come full circle, I know my purpose, to facilitate ease and comfort in the experience of embodiment. I have my priorities straight, my purpose, myself, my family, my community. I am not satisfied by living a life that does not satisfy each of these areas. And all of this leads me right back to where I was before this last shift in balance.
Knowing and fulfilling the meaning of life is not enough for me. I also want to treat the people around me in a way that honors them, me and the experience we are having. Success is only success (for me ) if it is also kind, equitable, honest and life-affirming.
Darn it! I was hoping for an easy answer. If I could make money or power, the most important thing in life would be so simple. I say that and its funny but it’s also really true.
Special Thanks – I want to thank my community. The smart, kind women who show up, apply the loving pressure and hold up the mirror for me. It is not easy to witness struggle, share experience and grow – but you do it and that makes you my heroines!
My purpose is not big or grand – it has always been localized and small. I don’t believe I was meant to be a tsunami, instead I am the raindrop that sends out one small ripple. It will be other people who will be the wave that crashes on the shore or becomes a tsunami.
And that is just perfect for me.